In the event that you may have missed it, New York City Football Club Supporters Group The Third Rail penned an open letter to Orlando City SC, NYCFC and Major League Soccer regarding their concerns over what they deemed to be a lack of security as they watched their side go down (again) 1-0 to the Lions in the 2017 MLS season opener. Among the various incidents that caused these snowflakes to melt included a lack of a seating section in a climate controlled environment with free foot massages, 3 for 1 Pabst Blue Ribbons, 90% discounted food and a personal 20 inch monitor-carrying drone for each seat. Also free authentic jerseys signed by Villa and Pirlo.
As a matter of course, the only proper way to respond to Orlando City’s wholly uncivilized soccer soiree was to:
- Steal a stadium seat.
- Steal an iPad from a 5 year old.
- Get arrested for attacking a cop.
Once safely ensconced back in the friendly confines of their subway lair, The Third Rail made their disapproval known and stated that they were looking forward to learning “how Orlando City SC will implement meaningful reforms to their away supporter security protocols in the future.”
Obviously, Orlando City needs to take measures to rectify this situation so that further seat destruction, theft of personal property and assaults on law enforcement are avoidable. We’ve taken it upon ourselves to offer five helpful solutions to Orlando City so that they can properly address the issue.
- Provide a security force of at least 10,000 Orlando Police officers and Orange County Sheriff’s deputies for the Third Rail Supporters group when they arrive at Orlando International Airport.
- Build a private monorail line from OIA to Orlando City Stadium.
- Surround the seating section reserved for Third Rail Fans with pillows, stuffed animals and nursery music.
- Provide a secure nap time area where Third Rail fans can go when they’re really tired and haven’t had a snack or bottle yet.
- Make certain that surrogate Mommies are available for hugs and boo boo kisses upon the inevitable loss that NYCFC suffers at the hands of Orlando City.
Hopefully these meaningful reforms will allow us as a soccer community to move forward from this regrettable past weekend.