So today’s blog post was going to easily be about some imbecile camera guy (or reporter depending on several eyewitness accounts) that single-handedly made all of American soccer fans look stupid at the Chicago Fire press conference introducing Bastian Schweinsteiger. But then the Ronaldo Statue Artist just couldn’t leave well enough alone and came out defending his Special Needs Ronaldo vision with a “Jesus didn’t please everyone” blast.

First off, as many may already know, the Fire have signed former Manchester United midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger and put together a huge press conference to formally introduce him. For years Americans have been fighting the Stupid American stereotype in general and that has only been heightened when it comes to association football. We have to struggle to convince people that we understand the game, know to use “offside” instead of “offsides” and live down that stupid countdown clock from MLS 1.0. In recent years we’ve made progress on this front but IT DOESN’T HELP WHEN AN ALLEGED MEDIA PROFESSIONAL ASKS THIS QUESTION:

IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE AT A PRESS CONFERENCE TO ASK A QUESTION OF A WORLD FAMOUS SOCCER PLAYER THEN DO YOUR RESEARCH AND ASK IMPORTANT QUESTIONS LIKE, “IS A HOTDOG A SANDWICH?” A Fire media person said that he meant the Club World Cup.

Uh, no.

If you even know what the Club World Cup is then you would KNOW to say CLUB World Cup. So FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. Americans are like Scarlett O’Hara only instead of at Tara, they’re at center circle, “AS GOD IS MAH WITNESS, WE’LL NEVER BE STUPID AGAIN!”

Then we have Emanuel Santos.

Emanuel Santos is a self-taught sculptor who hatched a plan to create a bust of Cristiano Ronaldo to coincide with the renaming of a local airport in Ronaldo’s honor. Fair enough. Not a bad idea. But it’s a bad idea when you suck at what you do. It’s even worse when the subject of the bust is going to be on hand at the renaming ceremony.

It’s the worst of all when your sculpture looks like this:

Working from images of this:

And not to be outdone, after worldwide Internet ridicule, Santos hit back with this blast:

“Not even Jesus pleased everyone.”

Well, Jesus Christ was good at what he did, namely raising the dead, walking on water, turning water into wine and putting together thousands of loaves & fishes for 5 loaves & 2 fishes giveaways. Have some pride, bro. You don’t have to be right. Just admit that you screwed up and do it better. Or just stop sculpting busts in general.

This does not apply: