Drama Recap: Lions Survive Seismic Shocks for 1-1 Draw

The mighty men in Purple donned their white suits of adizero armor and stepped onto a cathedral of American Football Sunday. On this day they faced the geological monstrosities known as the San Jose Earthquakes. In the same week as the opening of a disaster movie called San Andreas, the ferocious Lions fought the tremors and aftershocks for 93 minutes to emerge with a draw.

The first 45 glacial minutes were occupied with immovable objects smashing together to prevent any sort of momentum one way or another. It was as if two super massive black holes began to orbit each other and engaged in an unfathomable tug of war for the ages. Such acts of boredom against humanity served to marginally make the commentary by Alexi Lalas approach levels slightly above Canadian torture minimums.

The second half of this clash saw the Richter scale start tickling 9 as the home side came out under the assumption that the soccer match was over and the UFC fight night was underway. Famous for playing a style of association football shaded just this side of gangland rules rugby, the Reavers of San Jose tangled with our Righteous Lions in ways that would make exhibitionists blush.

The fault line shifted first when the dastardly official served His Most Excellent Brekness with a wildly undeserved red card on an expertly executed slide tackle. With the Pride of Orlando down an esteemed member, the vibrating terrors continued to push their advantage laying Lions out all over the field.

But it was the ferocious Kings of the Central Florida jungle that drew first blood when Rookie of the Most Awesome candidate Cyle Larin drew a penalty kick in the 64th minute. The Kaká drove home the ensuing shot with true artistry and The City Beautiful was rightfully on top.

The dream of 3 points in enemy territory however was dashed when the back stabbing wind drove innocent Darwin Ceren into an Earthquake like a tractor trailer to a bug on the 408. This somehow earned the menacing foes a penalty kick of their own and Chris Wondolowski used his Sith Lord powers to send heroic Tally Hall looking for a droid that was not there.

Though locked in dire combat, the undermanned Lions prevailed in retaining their lone point, preventing the seismic shocks from utilizing their greater numbers in the field for the balance of time. It was a good day to tie.

This week, Our Heroes return to the friendly confines of the Citrus Bowl to avenge their defeat at the hands of the Boring Ohioans earlier this season.