We lurve us our lists here at TCBG and we are fresh off of reading about Crazy Ted Edwards, erstwhile District 5 Orange County Commissioner, and his undying efforts to rid the county and Orlando of evil foreign soccer.
At first we were going to just do a rather witty hit piece on Ted Quixote but we thought that was not very big of us. So we have decided that we should instead focus on what has brought him to such unmitigated resentment over being beaten down by progress. The chosen avenue of our….choice: is a list!
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more:
10 Theories About Why Ted Edwards Hates Orlando City SC.
1. He was beat down by Grimace in 1969 at McDonalds.
The purple, oh the purple, on a hot summer day in Orlando in 1969 when men were landing on the moon, Ted Edwards was about to enjoy a Happy Meal when Grimace came out of nowhere and bodyslammed him. Since that day, Ted has had it in for anything with purple and we all know what color Orlando City likes to wear….
2. He is afraid that Orlando will secede from the United States and join Europe.
Everyone knows that Orlando is actually going to join Brazil. We have no idea why Ted is misinformed or why he has a problem with this.
3. He is still pissed about the Netherlands hammering Ireland in the 1994 World Cup.
He got hammered with a bunch of Irish supporters and wound up wearing a leprechaun hat and nothing else in the Everglades the next day. Since then, he vowed to ban soccer from life, or at least Orlando.
4. He’s a Charleston Battery Fan.
That’s enough said about that right there.
5. He really likes mudding at the Citrus Bowl “parking lot.”
And if Orlando City has it’s own stadium close to downtown, then Ted can’t jump in his Vespa and start spraying mud all over the fans on those hot soggy summer nights.
6. Phil Rawlins didn’t let him in to the Orlando City MLS Fantasy league.
Phil made a conscientious decision to not let sore losers in the league, because that just goes against MLS’s anti-bullying campaign. Naturally Ted isn’t having any of that and we are going to need to see explanations for why a billionaire in Atlanta can get a franchise in his stadium.
7. He didn’t cut it at the Orlando City cheerleader tryout.
Ted just didn’t have the moves and resultingly he was cut from the team. Rumor has it that he actually depressed people out there, and cheerleading, well that’s about uplifting people.
8. Pro teams make people happy and Ted Edwards has a thing about Happy People.
Just look at the sour face he had for hours when excited supporters for the new stadium were pleading for Orange County support. Clearly, someone used his Cheerios for septic purposes that day. He wanted nothing more than to return that favor!
9. Two sports facilities one block from each other means less Limo Time for Ted.
This really isn’t so much about Orlando City as it is really about Ted getting a high profile escort for at least several more blocks when he goes from an Amway Center event to the Citrus Bowl. He may not be the President but he sure as heck is an Orange County Commissioner and he has the motorcycle cops to prove it!
10. He wakes up hearing Ole Ole Ole all night long and seeks revenge.
We can’t actually blame him for this but we think he really needs to get some perspective, at least there aren’t vuvuzelas.