Why The Tampa Bay Rowdies Suck

Today is Derby Day. This is the day that we beat the ever-living piss out of the Tampa Bay Rowdies. Now the nuanced reader might be curious as to why we would entertain such a terrible opinion of the losers south west of The City Beautiful…

We thought you’d never ask.

Here are seven reasons why everyone should get a good hate on for that group of things down there:

1. The Name.

The Rowdies. Once upon a time actual people were sitting around a table trying to figure out what they could call their newly conceived allegedly professional soccer team. The best they could come up with was, well nothing, so they got hammered and started a fight. So the Fuzz christened this horror on the sporting landscape, the Rowdies. Cops are not known for hugely copious amounts of creativity so this was not unexpected.

2. The Colors.

Mucous Yellow and Puke Green. Once the hangovers gave way to puking, The Rowdies decided to come up with colors. Well when you’re staring at a toilet for hours on end, with bodily fluids gushing out of your face, your palette becomes limited. Naturally this can only lead to various shades of snot vibrantly jockeying for position on your jersey. And like all good bodily fluids, these colors stuck.

3. The Logo.


What the hell?
English fails us, as does every other language.

4. The Field.

The Rowdies play in a baseball stadium. There is no possible worse stadium for soccer than a freaking baseball stadium. It’s all wrong. Everything is wrong. Nothing fits the field correctly, the sight lines are a crime against the Beautiful Game. All Derby games should be played in Orlando because even though we haven’t had always had a permanent stadium, AT LEAST you have always been able to sit on all four sides of the field. And to be perfectly honest with all of you excellent readers, Tampa Bay has historically been an immolation of the idea of proper sporting venues. This is not to mention the fact that Orlando doesn’t smell like a toilet like Tampa does In A Van Down By The River.

5. The League.

The Rowdies play in the Notably Awful Stupid Losers league. This is a league that basically thinks that it completes with Major League Soccer. Yeah okay. This is a league that has adopted the initials of the same league that murdered professional soccer in North America for 30 years. This is a league that officially just doesn’t get it. Where else would the Rowdies play? It’s like it was a galactic destiny for these two. Or maybe just cosmic, or Cosmos. Yeah, we went there.

6. May 20, 1989.

That was a day that we will never forget. The horror that happened there. When the first responders showed up, they were confronted with sights that brought grown men to tears. People are still waking up in the middle of the night screaming, “THE HOT DOGS, MY GOD, THE HOT DOGS AND THE BLOOD!” That event was the catalyst for several state and federal laws banning the use of Soft Corinthian Leather in goal nets. FIFA still requires all llamas to wear black every anniversary.

7. We had a seventh reason but we are starting to black out thinking about That Team.

So there you have it, Why The Tampa Bay Rowdies Suck. Twitter us @citybeautifulsc #MayThe20th to share your eyewitness accounts of what happened that day.