Orlando City vs. Miami Whatevers: A Non-Partisan Comparison

With MLS officially announcing that David Beckham will be sporting a brand new soccer team in the future eventually someday in Miami, we here at TCBG thought that a fair-minded comparison of the two Sunshine State siblings would be in order. Naturally, we needed to make this a top 5 list because all legitimate comparisons are made in groups of five. We also wanted to make this soccer-specific, like a soccer-specific stadium, so that unscientific personal opinions about things like Miami’s horrific support of professional sports teams wouldn’t bleed in to the results. We also know that you came here to get to serious business about a serious topic so without further ado:

Which Florida City and Team Is The Best Soccer City and Team?

Category 1:
Best Looking Owner

Orlando’s Phil Rawlins                vs.                   Miami’s David Beckham

     rawlins                                           becks

Clearly we have a mismatch here. Orlando City owner Phil Rawlins is smiling with his teeth showing meaning that he has actually been to a dentist unlike his fellow Englishman, Mr. Posh Spice. Phil is also rocking, with pride, an Orlando City scarf which is something that always enhances the complexion and thus signifies that not only is Phil damn sexy, he’s also a fashion plate.
Advantage: Orlando

Category 2:
Best Television Representation

          The Adventures of Superboy                         vs.                     Burn Notice                                  

     GerardChristopherSuperboy                                                     burnnotice

It’s no surprise that people think poorly of Miami as it is showcased by TV shows that essentially reduce life in the city to half-naked women being chased by Calvin Klein models driving $100,000 cars. Burn Notice shows Miami as a city that will get you laid, high, and dead in 43 minute increments. Who would want that? Meanwhile in awesome Orlando, a cultural icon such as The Adventures of Superboy stands as an emblem of thespian accomplishment. Viewers know where to live if they want a lifestyle requiring the liberal wearing of blue tights, that’s right, The City Beautiful.
Advantage: Orlando

Category 3:
Best Waterfront

                                                 Lake Eola                       vs.                      Miami Beach                              

     eola                                                     miami

In downtown Orlando can be found a gorgeous lake with a gleaming fountain that changes color while illuminating swan boats that patrons may enjoy between snacks at the local cafe. In Miami, half-naked Dominican Women With Cinnamon Tans frolic along white sandy shores and cause you to get slapped by your wife for gazing 5 minutes too long. Furthermore, you can’t get eaten by sharks or shot by drug lords walking around Lake Eola as happens every 14 seconds on Miami Beach.
Advantage: Orlando

Category 4:
Best Path To Top Flight Soccer
2 Time USL Pro Champions                    vs.                 David Beckham’s Contract                           

     trophies                                                     http-__www.captainbluehen.com_wp-content_Gerard-Christopher-Superman

It’s a well-known fact that Orlando City Soccer Club worked very hard for 3 years to make it to MLS. There was that time that they went to Wembley Stadium with only 4 players and hammered Manchester United 45 to 3 and still Don Garber demanded that the team win the PowerBall three times in a row. Meanwhile David Beckham fell out of bed this morning into a 25 million dollar MLS franchise Groupon for playing footsies with Landon Donovan in LA.
Advantage: Orlando

Category 5:
Best Skyscraper
                     SunTrust Center                       vs.                      Four Seasons Hotel Miami                          

             suntrust                                             four

The SunTrust Center is a bank with hundreds of millions of dollars in it that is just tall enough to still let planes fly over it on approach to Orlando Executive Airport. Very considerate. The Four Seasons Hotel Miami is the tallest building in the state of Florida and will require you to fork over half a grand at the minimum to spend the night there. You get money from SunTrust Center and you give money at the Four Seasons Hotel. Think about that.
Advantage: Orlando

By every objective measure, Orlando is a much better place for Major League Soccer than Miami. You have now read it on the Internet so therefore it must be true. Stay tuned for more features coming up this week, including a fashion review of the new Orlando City uniforms!